Some Angels Wear Denim

Several weeks ago while addressing the congregation on a Sunday morning, my Bishop said something that struck me. He said, "As His children, Heavenly Father has promised us that  he will send his angels to minister to us. What we seldom realize is that some angels wear denim."

On September 9, Kendall and I went to the doctor to hear our baby's heartbeat. Every night that week I had dreamed we lost our baby. My worst fears were confirmed with an ultrasound that showed no heartbeat and a baby that had stopped growing weeks ago. We left the clinic overcome with so many different emotions. I didn't know which one to feel first. Heartache, sadness, confusion, fear, anger...

We told our family and close friends which made it a little more real and a little easier to handle. Telling them, actually saying the words out loud, it was like someone else was in my body using my mouth. It was like a really bad dream.

This experience has been traumatizing but it has taught me to accept help from others. Those angels in denim have been hanging around and let me just say, we have felt the love. The doc went above and beyond what any doctor would or really should do. Family, neighbors, and friends all stepped in and took care of us. Cards, flowers, baked goods, phone calls, just being here... everything meant so much to me. All of it helped so much. I feel like I can't sufficiently express my gratitude.
Lately I've been contemplating whether or not to write about this. Part of me thinks it's a good idea, the other part doesn't want to deal with concerned eyes and worried comments. (I'm really okay.) I have a few reasons for posting about this but I think most of all I want to reach out to other women who are going through the same thing. That's what helped me the most. I guess I'm hoping that someone going through this will stumble upon this blog and be comforted somehow.

I am not alone. This is something that has been drilled into my head since birth but I know that there are people in this world who feel alone. Occasionally I feel that way too. Also, I'm so loved. We are so loved. To anyone reading this and going through a hard time, You are not alone and you are so loved.

Miscarriages are really common. The fact that it's common really isn't comforting at all. It's actually really sad to me that something this hard is so common. If you have a miscarriage everyone will tell you how common it is. It's interesting, I think, that there are so many books, manuals, websites about pregnancy and how to have a baby. There's no handbook on dealing with loss.

Anyways. I don't really know where this little journal entry of mine is going. The positive ending to this is that physically, I feel like me again. Emotionally, I have more good days than bad. Life is so good. The sun is still shining. And I've got a family and many friends who are my "angels in denim" and I know I am loved. Also, Kendall is a hero.

P.S. To any hopefuls waiting for a new niece/nephew/granchild/whatever, I apologize but any desire I once had to have a child is gone. For now at least. Right now I just want new shoes, a beach, and to train for a 5k.